


Hey Jealous Lover Ch.11 0f 16

by kinfic2



Category: Queer As Folk - Fandom
Genre: Jealous Brian, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-31
Updated: 2014-03-31
Packaged: 2018-01-17 18:13:20
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1397641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kinfic2/pseuds/kinfic2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Love will find a way if you want it to."<br/>Takes place after Ep.208 and before Ep.217</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hey Jealous Lover Ch.11 0f 16

An uncomfortable silence enveloped the loft like a funeral shroud, the suffocating stillness punctuated only by one man’s labored breathing. Too stunned by the outburst to speak, Justin gripped a thumb between his teeth tight enough to draw blood. He threw furtive glances at the impossibly handsome and playfully wicked man whom he loved, whose depth of hurt and loss he never fathomed until now.

  
                                _“You’re the reason I live, you’re the reason I’d die._ _You’re the reason I give when I break down and cry.”_ _©Tyler/Perry_  
  
His hand combed through his hair in perfect sync with each replay of Brian’s last words—his electrifying, startling, and eye-opening words. Uncertain what to say, the weight of the moment was an albatross on his shoulders. A misspoken word or errant emotion could shatter the slim thread holding them together.   
  
Like a tape rewinding at twice the speed, he recalled the sarcastic remarks and blunt warnings about Brian Kinney blithely thrown in his direction from the beginning by so-called friends—all under the guise of well meaning concern, of course. He couldn’t help but wonder about their motivation, because tonight it became painfully clearthat this enigma, who stood tall in the face of any adversity, wasn’t worthy of anyone’s rejection.  
  
_“Beware just as much of those who under the guise of virtuous tastes are false and deceitful in friendship, as of men wholly entangled in falsehoods and stained with every infamy.”_ _Annals of Tacitus_  
  
It dawned on him that no one really knew this troubled man at all. And he didn’t think anyone wanted to make the effort. It was too convenient to have someone to blame. They could scapegoat Brian for all the real or imagined wrongs of the world, the way Debbie did with Michael’s birthday fiasco, and then sleep soundly with a clear conscience. Oh yeah, much easier to let someone else do your dirty work. She did an end run around Brian worthy of the master himself. He never saw it coming.

_* * * *_

_“Superman, where are you now, when everything’s gone wrong somehow? The man of steel, the man of power, is losing control by the hour.”_ _©Collins,Rutherford,Banks_  
  
Brian massaged the back of his neck to ward off a bitch of a headache. With his brows scrunched together, he was the poster boy for confusion. _Where the fuck did that come from?_ Always careful to stay one step ahead of everyone and everything in his life—foe or friend, personal or professional—he never counted on being blindsided by himself.   
  
_“What you do not know is the only thing you do know.”_ _TS Eliott_  
  
_Christ, either the shit I took was stronger than usual or it was a bad batch._ That had to be it. But he still needed to put physical distance between them, at least for a few minutes. “I have to piss.” Blank as a virgin canvas, he pushed past Justin to the bathroom and slammed the door.  
  
Justin blinked in shock. _There he goes, folks. One of the many faces of Brian Kinney_. Amazing how easily the man lost and regained control. He was so fucking adaptive. As a survival skill, the trait was admirable. As a factor in a relationship, it was frustrating as hell.  
  
Grateful to be alone for a while, he rested his head against the window. With only the illumination of a crescent moon, a handful of stars, and the glow of street lamps for company, he tried to make sense of the evening. He had returned to the loft so _sure._ With his anger and hurt clutched close to his chest, he had been ready to fling them in Brian’s face and storm out. But a few unbidden words turned his world upside down. He had to decide what he wanted—from himself and from Brian.  
  
_“We all may have our fortune told, or we may guess it on our own, how our nature and our destiny have contrived together to make a place for us, a place we’ve been marching toward all our lives.”_ _M.Merlis_  
                                                                                                 * * * *  
  
Brian squinted at his ashen reflection. Never one to cry over spilled milk, hence the familiar mantra of “no apologies, no regrets,” this was one time he wished he could shove the words back in his mouth. They weakened him and he was furious with himself for allowing it to happen. But there was no way to rewind time with a new script. There were no retakes. _Fuck! Knowing Justin, he’ll think this was a lezzie note on scented parchment paper with wine and roses! He’ll think that I...._ He stripped and stepped into the shower, hoping the scalding heat could shock some common sense into him. He placed his hands against the tile in front of him and hung his head. What the fuck was he doing?  
  
                                                                                                  * * * *  
  
When he returned thirty minutes later with two beers, he sensed Justin had spent the time thinking. Never a good sign. With that in mind, he avoided looking at him directly. But it didn’t matter. He still felt a subtle twitch in his hand when he handed him a bottle.  
  
The silence spoke volumes. He could almost see the wheels turn, hear the questions he wanted to ask but didn’t know how to frame. Tempted to fire an opening salvo of hurtful words, he reconsidered when he saw his naked concern. “Don’t worry, Sunshine, I haven’t shattered. I’m still here.”  
  
Justin gave a nervous laugh. “Well, that’s good. I wouldn’t know what to do with a new and improved version.” He took a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking.”  
  
“So I gathered.”   
  
“Brian, I want you to listen to me, _really_ listen to me. Let’s put some ‘issues’ on the back burner for now.” The gleam of relief prompted a warning. “We’re not ignoring them or pretending they don’t exist _._ It’s just that we have enough shit to deal with without dredging more from the past.” He couldn’t keep accusing and blaming. Brian’s demons were doing an excellent job without any help from him.  
  
                              _“Carry all those phantoms,shoulder that invisible load_ _, like a ghost rider, haunting that invisible road.”_ _©Rush_  
  
His tone deepened. “I can smell your bullshit from a mile away. Maybe everyone else is willing to swallow it, but not me. You’re wasting your time trying to get rid of me. I'm here because I want to be. But if this isn’t what you want, if _I’m_ not what you want, then tell me right now _._ ”  
  
Brian's incredulity was impossible to miss. _I shouldn’t have left him alone that long._ Shit like this always happens when he has too much time to think. It must be a blond thing. Lindsay does it, too. She overanalyzes everything, then makes my life hell because I never know what I’m supposed to say. Maybe there’s a reason Mel walks around looking as if she swallowed a lemon.  
  
“Tell me!” Justin ordered.  
  
“Tell you what? I don’t think I understand exactly what you mean.”  
  
Blue eyes glared at the obvious delay tactic. “Don’t understand what about what?”  
  
He almost laughed. Almost. Until the words were repeated with a few more for the sake of clarity.  
  
“What don’t you understand? I’ll spell it out for you. If I’m not what you want, look me in the eye and tell me to leave, tell me not to come back, tell me you never want to see me again. Ever!” A trickle of fear ran down Justin's spine. Did he go too far this time?  
  
“Are you being the existential and tortured artiste now? Or have you officially walked over the edge?”  
  
Which edge? Sanity? Reason? Justin had no idea. “All, none, some? Just trying to find out where or if I fit into your life, I suppose.” The fact that he hadn’t received an answer to his question wasn’t lost on him. He softened his tone. “I’ve made _my_ choice and I think I’ll stick around, if it’s okay with you.”  
  
Brian shrugged. “It’s your decision.”  
  
“It always is, isn’t it?” He gave a wry smile. “At least, that’s what you keep telling me.”  
  
Brian toed at the floor with his bare foot. “It’s probably not a bad one, I guess. All things considered.”  
  
Justin couldn’t stop a small grin.   
  
“What?”  
  
“I think you might have actually expressed an emotion! Granted, not the kind one would expect under these circumstances, when a normal person would say, ‘Justin, I really want you to stay because I’d miss you if you left, and my life would suck without you.’ But in Kinney-speak, it’s close enough.” The grin morphed into a shooting star smile. “So it’s all good.”  
  
Brian threw him a mock-affronted look. “You think I don’t have emotions?”   
  
“I didn’t say that. You just don’t show them like the rest of us mortals.”  
  
Both mired in thought, neither wanted to be the first to break the awkwardness. Brian admired Justin's strength and determination but couldn't fathom his persistence to stay. He _didn’t_ want him to leave. He also didn’t want to admit it and wondered who needed whom more. His voice barely a whisper, he asked the question that had been gnawing at him. “Why?”  
  
“Why what?”  
  
“What you decided. Why?”The interim wait bounced off his nerves like a violinist’s bow spiccatoing across the strings.  
  
“You once told me what’s done can’t be undone. What’s known can’t be unknown. You were right. We’ve lived through things that other people haven’t. We put up with shit every day that other people don’t. We’re always going to be different and feel different. Even in a crowd, we’ll feel that way—a part of it, yet apart _from_ it. It's unavoidable. Just like _we’re_ unavoidable.”  
  
“Even if it means getting hurt?”  
  
Justin tried to wrap his mouth around the words in his head and the feelings in his heart. “That's what I don't like. I know from experience it’s inevitable. But getting hurt doesn’t have to mean giving up. It just means that, if you want it to work, you have to work harder.” He gave a resigned shrug. “I don’t know. We'll deal with each situation as it happens. That’s all we can do.”   
  
Arms folded in front of him, he gazed out the window at the street below. Still confused, still a little angry, he hoped he made the right decision. Would they ever reach the place where they didn’t have to do this? Would he ever be truly content with this complicated man? His own words reverberated in his brain. _We’ll deal with each situation as it happens. That’s all we can do._ He didn’t have to see Brian to feel his presence behind him, dark as the shadows.  
                                                                 * * *                               

His chin nestled on Justin’s shoulder, Brian planted a trail of kisses on his cheek. When the blond head tipped back, he took advantage of the angle and kissed a fiery path to his ear, nipping at the lobe with teasing bites.  
  
He tore Justin’s shirt and yanked it from his shoulders, then turned his attention to ridding them of their jeans. Skin against skin, their erections brushed, and he shuddered at the wave of burning lust that surged through his veins. His groan sent shivers through both men.  
  
He deftly maneuvered them to the sofa and pulled him down to straddle his lap. While Justin fumbled with the condom and lube, he latched on to a protruding nub. Gripped between his teeth, he sucked hungrily.   
  
With his sheathed cock pressed against an eager opening, he grabbed the back of Justin’s neck to bring him closer. The movement nudged him in and he gasped at the suddenness. “Suck my tongue! Suck it the way your ass sucks my dick!” His tongue slid in and fucked Justin's mouth with the same hunger that worked his cock deep inside.   
  
Overloaded with sensation, Justin didn’t know where he ended and the other man began when a hand squeezed and jerked his shaft in perfect time to the dick in his ass and the tongue in his mouth. One last forceful thrust against his prostate sent him over the edge with a guttural cry, and his muscles clenched around Brian until he pulsed into the condom.  
  
JUSTIN:  
  
We’re both exhausted. There’s been too much emotion, too much drama, too much everything for one day. After convincing him to go to bed, with the promise a blowjob and another fuck in the morning, I trudge to the kitchen for the first of many cups of coffee. I need to get my head in the game for school. I have the assignment with Adam and a seven page paper due for another class.  
  
On the way to the bedroom, he tosses out, “Are you staying late at school to work on your project?”  
  
His voice is deceptively nonchalant, yet stretched tighter than a rubber band because of the question he doesn’t ask, the one I hear clear as crystal. I turn around and catch a flash of what’s behind the hazel eyes before the mask falls into place, and I’m shaken by the pain and uncertainty I see.  
  
I know this isn’t over yet, not by a long shot.

  
_                                               “You won’t get to see the tears I cry behind these hazel eyes.”  _ _ ©Clarkson,Martin  _

**CONTINUE TO CH.12 here** : <http://archiveofourown.org/works/1466896>


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